i have wished so badly recently for explanations to things. i'm a rational person, at least i like to think so, and i like to work with logic and reason. where there's a problem, there has to be a solution - so let's find it. so i poke and i prod and i examine and i write it down and chew it up and spit it out and find all the missing pieces. i put things back together, i fix things, i help make things happen. but i can't do that without answers to questions, or better yet; without being able to ask the questions in the first place. so i ask lots of them, and get lots of answers. and i puff myself up nice and big and pride is like a hug that keeps squeezing harder, and it usually takes awhile before i pop. and that hug, that embrace -- it's filled with all the good things i do, all the praise i get, all the ways i think i've figured out my place in this huge big crazy place. because i have to figure out my place here. i don't know how not to.
but sometimes everything you work for simply comes crashing down when one person's harsh words cut like knives.
and i feel like i pop with an extra dose of oomph, because i put my entire heart behind everything i do -- do you know that? i put all of my everything behind every word i say, every meeting i hold, every email i write.
it all matters to me, in the most dramatic way.
because i'd much rather be way too dramatic than absolutely vapid, and i love living life in a way that makes me taste and smell all of it. and i'm scared all the time that one day something will break and i won't feel this way anymore because the life was sucked out. and then when it happens, when i get all the wind sucked out of my sails, i truly slow down and look at my life like a fiction novel. okay, so what would i tell this person, if it wasn't me? what would i instruct her to do?
and i really don't know the answer there. which is devastating. because i love answers. i need explanations to things.
because i value your opinion of me - yes you, reading this. all of you. even when i don't want to, i do.
because sometimes i don't always please everyone, and that sucks.
because sometimes i run out of ways to make sense to myself, let alone to another person.
because i don't always find theories to be helpful, or people to be respectful, or answers to be easy.
because walking away from a problem sometimes makes more sense than staying, even if i have so much left to prove.